Let me start by acknowledging the readers who left comments and those who tweeted or blipped me to say they enjoyed the post. Nothing could make me happier. Thanks.
Tonight the conversation gets more interesting, so I’ll say it again: this is adult material dealt with in an adult manner: direct, explicit, no holds barred. Here’s the caveat. If you’re uncomfortable with sexual exploration or not far enough into your own recovery work to feel balanced, then feel free to sit this one out. Same goes for family members. I don’t wish anyone to be unnecessarily upset.
To recap, what follows is a dialog between a man and a woman about fantasies and what frustrates each sex about the other. Men are frustrated and feel put off: locked out of where they most want to go. Women are frustrated and feel put upon: even though they closed the door, there’s no privacy. That’s the dance. There are many reasons for it and some of the reader comments are eloquent in naming them. I’m here to name one that most women don’t talk about.
The friend I’m conversing with hails from Peking Illinois, or so he says ^_~ so I’ll be calling him Peeking Thomas because I allow him to peek into my life and he allows me to peek into his. Nothing is off limits. Our friendship is that amazing. So here we go, down the rabbit hole, into the dark woods, off the cliff without a parachute; pick your own scary, exhilarating metaphor. I find that being in free fall is always an illuminating experience. When there is nothing resisting us and nothing holding us up that, my friend, is when we find out who we really are.
Here’s where we left off.
ME: If a man asked me to share a fantasy with him, I think I could ask him to do certain things while I did my own imagining, have a great time, and AFTER we're both exhausted and he has thoroughly enjoyed me enjoying myself, THEN I might tell him.
THOMAS: You’re putting all the responsibility on the man to keep sex interesting. It’s really unfair and frustrating, and this happens all the time. No matter who the woman is, I get the same response: “If I tell you, it won't be a fantasy any more.”
ME: So, you’re tired of holding the fantasy world on your shoulders? Poor thing.... ^_~
ME: Well, what if it IS true, what women say? Then what does a couple do? Because if the man is simply going to get pissed off, then that's a total turn off. I'm not telling shit to a man who gives me crap about my fantasy world. On the other hand........
ME: I don't know what the other hand is, lol, only that for me it involves trust. Hence my disinterest in group sex. Too many people to vet for my trust issues. LMAO.
THOMAS: The point is, you’re not holding up your end of the deal, and by you, I mean women. I don't understand why a woman can't share, help out, let me be a part of her fantasy because MY fantasy includes HER.
ME: Hmmmm. In order.
1 - Who said I made a deal and that am now reneging on it? I don't ever remember telling a man I'd make that bargain.
THOMAS: Forget it, hon. You don't get it and that’s okay because this is how the world works and it sucks.
ME: 2 - I think a lot of us would like a little help, a hand to hold while getting out of the it's-just-for-me car, so to speak. An angry man cannot hold me hand. Now a man who talks to me outside of bedroom and is gentle with my embarrassment in bed (when fantasy enters into it, we women are often embarrassed) THAT man I could share fantasies with.
THOMAS: You could?
ME: Yeah. It's just a test. You know? To make sure he's worth the risk.
THOMAS: OK well that’s what I do, but I still don't have a woman telling me about a fantasy of hers. She’s still telling me no matter how much of a gentleman I am, they are her fantasies and she can't tell me. Like I said, go ahead and have the fantasies you keep to yourself, but for god’s sake please share one with me so we can keep things interesting and fun. Do not leave it all up to me. Cuz then what I think is that you don't - I mean, that women - don’t think about me in a fantasy type of way. And they don’t want me to know that.
ME: That's dress up for. Easy street into fantasyland. They don't have to be MY fantasies to be fun. I can suggest generic fantasies for fun and profit. ^_~ I like those.
THOMAS: I’m not talking about a man you just met, and I am not angry. This is just something I have dealt with my whole life. Any relationship I’ve been in long term, I get the same answer: I don't have fantasies. Think. If they aren’t your fantasies and there are only two people in the room, whose fantasy is it going to be?
ME: Ours. Whatever turns us on.
THOMAS: Well, no, it’s not ours because you don't want to share, remember?
ME: Ah! ~holding back laughter~ I see you have missed the most salient point, Grasshopper. Do you wish to hear it a different way?
THOMAS: I am all ears.
ME: Okay then. Let me use myself as the example. I'll be blunt and direct so as not to lose you. I am NOT this direct with a man without a lot of preamble... you'll see why.
ME: The crap I need to work out [in order to share a fantasy] is about sexual abuse. It's my issue and I want to be left alone to work it out in my way without having to explain or defend or... anything. It's mine; leave it alone. So many women (1 out of 3, and that’s just the childhood crap) have some version of personal pain associated with sex, and so when we -'scuse me, I- hear “Share one of your fantasies with me,” this is what I think the man’s asking for: my deepest darkest secret. Hence the unequivocal, No, I don’t have fantasies. However, when it comes to creating (instead of sharing) fantasies, I'm happy to play along. Role-playing fantasies are awesome. Love ‘em.
ME: Just remember that while, as a man, you are saying "entertain me,” I may be hearing "strip and share your scariest secrets."
THOMAS: So you are saying that fantasies have to do more with a bad experience, such as sexual abuse from your past. I’m not understanding why that would be a part of something fun. I get dealing with sexual issues because of things that have happened in the past, but I’m having a hard time putting sexual fantasy and something hurtful together.
THOMAS: Why does that happen? I don't get it
ME: Do you want to know how a woman (me, in this case) ends up with those two together? God knows, it doesn’t start out as something I did on purpose.
ME: Okay, this is gonna a little sound strange, so stay with me here.
First you need to know that all "bad" behavior (think serial killer) is, at its foundation, behavior that allows the wounded party (think serial killer's childhood) to have some measure of control. The need to have control is just a grown up version of the need not to have had the soul-wrenching wound in the first place. So....
When a person (keep thinking serial killer) goes out a does horrific things, things we cannot imagine as being human, know that in his own mind (read: fantasy), he is simply trying to put things right. If he puts things right enough times then he will have, retroactively, NOT BEEN HURT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
ME: I'll pause here, but there’s more. You following so far?
THOMAS: I guess so, but the problem is you’re taking something that is purely for fun and turning it into some kind of psych dissertation. I just want to know if you want to put on a furry costume and fuck. I never thought of a fantasy as having anything to do with such dark feelings.
ME: I know, I know ~laughs~ and I'll get to that point -you’ll get your furry costume fuck- but first the slough of despond. Trust me, whether she tells you or not, somewhere in nearly every woman's mind is scary, fucked up place that pops up just when she’s ready to let go. It sucks. Want me to continue?
THOMAS: Sure. I can't wait.
ME: ~laughs~ Okay, this is me and my life as one example of what goes on in a woman's head. So here I am. I’ve done my recovery work, I’m as clear as anyone can be with sexual abuse issues, I'm at peace with the whole thing, and then WHAM! it fucking comes up during sex. I can't come. I can't think. I can’t rearrange my thoughts no matter how I try. And he wants to know what I'm fantasizing about? Mother fuck!!! get away! That’s my first reaction, but I am smarter than that. I let him do what he wants, and all the while I’m letting my mind go where it needs to go. I do not tell my partner because then he’ll want to be part of my fantasy and right now it needs to be mine.
ME: This is long because it’s a blow by blow - for the sake of clarity.
ME: Dude...? You still with me, or did you go off somewhere more interesting?
THOMAS: Nope, just reading. I’m with you
ME: So my man's fucking me and I'm fucking my uncle. [*It wasn’t my uncle, but you don’t need to know which family member it was.] Even if my partner wouldn't think this is a sick thing, I can't take the risk that he will. Understand that ABOVE ALL I need control in this scenario. Sound twisted? It gets more interesting.
ME: In my mind it’s me in control. Being aroused by my uncle is my choice, not an accident of fate. I’m choosing every single fucked up detail, and I allow it all to play out any way I want it to, including fucking through my own self-disgust for having this fantasy. But this is what’s getting me off and so I’m going with it. For a long time, I screamed when I came, and apparently I scared the crap out of a couple of new partners ~laughs~ but hey, it’s my orgasm and I’ll scream if I want to. LMAO. I had me some shit to let out.
THOMAS: Atta girl!
ME: Anyway, every time I have this fantasy and cum, I get another piece of the puzzle that is me, and I get a little more control. And that experience owns me less. Eventually, I get to this place where I understand what I'm doing and why, and then.... Still with me?
ME: Then I get to have a REAL fantasy. . . .
Dear sweet freaked-out readers. This is where I’ll stop for the night. Tomorrow brings this odyssey to a conclusion, and because like Thomas, you have hung in this long, there will also be a small reward.
All contents of Sins of the Eldest Daughter / dinarozellebarnett.blogspot.com/ are copyrighted ©
and may not be used without permission from the creator.